The Cadaver of Last Week's Drama
Written by Maya Kotomori
CW: consensual non-consent (CNC) play, cannibalism. TW: bondage imagery, screenshots detailing violent sexual fantasies.
As Jersey Shore reality star JWoww famously said: same shit, different toilet. Welcome to the new year, where we can still expect people to be dumb on Twitter! The metaphorical dump remains steaming in 2021’s toilet as it did in 2020, and we have to show some appreciation for these sick puppies on the Internet. I mean, how else would we get our entertainment?
Speaking of sick puppies, Trisha Paytas and Ethan Klein recently honored Jake Paul as the year’s “Biggest COVID-iot” on a recent episode of their Frenemies podcast entitled “We Made The Only Honest Award Show.” His runners-up include Tana Mongeau for jetting around America despite lockdowns, James Charles and the Hype House girlies who escaped their multimillion-dollar mansion-prisons to visit the Bahamas, and Nikita Dragun hosting ragers all throughout the year. Though against some pretty tough competition, Paul secured the W due to previous statements where he proclaimed that “COVID is a hoax.”
Since we’re on the topic of Trish (like fish), let’s take a moment to mourn her Instagram account.
Someone left un-spurned by the new terms is adult content creator Belle Delphine, who came under fire last Wednesday for this Twitter post, captioned “My ideal first date <3”
The minute the photoset was posted, everyone born after the year 2000 suddenly earned their PhD on the psychology of kinks, crucifying Delphine for encouraging rape culture, pedophilia, and sexual violence. Apart from the backlash, Belle posted an apology-not-apology, earning her even more criticism and a vocal minority of anti-kinkshamers.
Around the same time this was happening, Azealia Banks was removed from Instagram for posting a video she filmed while digging up and boiling her dead cat, Lucifer. The video is no longer available, but there are Twitter users with screen recordings of the kitty soup process, should you want to go looking for it. Perhaps the most disturbing part of this situation is that people automatically leapt to the culinary side of things - like, c’mon. Azealia reveals her brujeria clean-upone time on Periscope, and now she eats 12-year-old pussy carcass soup? I rebuke. With Miss Banks’ past with romanticizing the dark arts in mind, I like to think our favorite witch bitch was boiling Lucifer to preserve his bones. Can’t a girl boil her dead cat in peace?
Not but mere hours later, Twitter was ablaze with rumors of recognized sexy man Armie Hammer’s sexual proclivity for human flesh, in the most literal way possible. That’s right, the guy who symbolically tasted a cum-peach in Call Me By Your Name enjoys the taste of people in his off-screen life. All alleged, of course, with multiple sources on Twitter disseminating the following screenshots of DM’s between Hammer and the multiple women who support these claims. The origin of these DM’s is reported to be an Instagram account called House of Effie.
Though last weekend’s news, Armie’s bloody little secret has been kept under wraps until now. A private message, allegedly from the woman who runs the House of Effie account, insisted that the whole scandal is a joke. Then, this past Monday a gossip page named Deuxmois in contact with the real admin of the House of Effie page directly purported that the message alleging the fake scandal itself was a fake. To provide evidence that House of Effie and Armie Hammer did have some sort of relationship via Instagram DM, the admin shared a screenshot of an Instagram story sent to the account from Armie Hammer’s official account showing a distinct tattoo on his left ring finger. (I ran a Google reverse image search on the pic...the only matches are for various articles like this one who are also reporting on the scandal).
In light of this meaty rumor’s popularity on Twitter, Hammer quickly stepped down from a movie role while debasing the claims as “bullshit.” Amid the media circus, certain exes (bodies still intact) of Armie’s have come into question; estranged wife Elizabeth Chambers, calling him a monster, and Courtney Vucekovich, whose recent Page Six headline reads: “He wanted to ‘barbecue and eat’ me.”
I’m personally torn, and want to extend an invitation to Armie directly: if you wanna open me up and perform some liposuction on me, you can totally eat a non-lethal amount of my flesh before closing me back up. If you’re not a cannibal and instead just have a visceral attraction to eating extremely rare meat, call me - let’s get a steak sometime.
Are you buying any of this? Feel free to ravish one another with thoughts in the comments.